HUMOR AND STUFF

from various sources

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Subject: GM and Bill Gates

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:'"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. And for some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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A Horse's Ass

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and most railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distant roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long-distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for it's legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The initial ruts, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for a Roman Imperial war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story ......

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it's
launch pad there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over 2000 years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!

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Subject: Philosophers

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?   Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge.   If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.   Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.   The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.   But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied.   A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex.   Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.   They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis.   Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.   They say they cause severe swelling.   So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing.   Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

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A Full Life

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up the very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course , the sand filled up everything else. He then once more asked if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous --- yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life".

"The golf balls are the important things ---- your family, your
wife/husband, your health, your children, your friends, your
favorite passions --- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full".

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else --the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you".

Pay attention to the things that are important to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your wife/husband out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first. --- The things that really matter. Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand"

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled, "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of beers.

Have a Very Nice Day!!!!

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I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.

And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??????"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking "What was her first clue?".
I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different very
expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three
of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK.
And then we go to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you........ she was so excited.
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because
she does not even play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said "I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now. "
You should have seen her face...... it went completely blank I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.

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BUMPER STICKERS?

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

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Women can follow Directions

Who said women can't follow directions? The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job."

He repeated the same instructions to the second applicant. The man was in the room about five minutes, then came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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